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Monday, August 9, 2010

Weird

I'm feeling quite strange.


It has a lot to do with some old wounds being torn back open.
Remembering things that I would really love to completely forget.


It has a lot to do with falling in love with a new man, which is something I wasn't sure would ever happen.
I've felt so jaded for so long, I was sure it was *me* for a while. But now I've fallen, and I know that I hadn't fallen before because it just wasn't right.
It's not always peachy, trying to find a balance with a new person in our lives.


It has a lot to do with general stress.
Keeping up with the kids and the house in addition to trying to get extra stuff done. Worrying if I'm doing things right, with the kids, am I giving them everything they need to turn out to be good people? Do I push too hard? Not enough?? For Holden and Dante, what can I do to help them, to keep things more consistent for them, as they go back and forth between my house and their mom's house? Why is Holden so violent and defiant and what can I do to help him???? How am I ever going to manage to finish school and get a real career and really take care of myself and my kids? There won't always be someone with a mostly empty house that we can live in practically for free. I want to be able to take care of Mom... she's taken care of me for so long.


It has a lot to do with things changing so quickly and seemingly all at once.
Rayce starts first grade next month, Charlize and hopefully Holden also will be starting preschool.
Jason is becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life, and so are his kids.
The kids are growing up so fast. I look back at old pictures and can't believe how much they've changed.
I can't believe how much their daddy has missed... practically everything. All 5 were in diapers when he passed, Rayce was only 3 and Liliya was 8 weeks old.

2008


2009


2010


It has a lot to do with feeling lost.
I've been extra emotional for the last few days or so, and I don't know why. But I feel lost. Like life is happening around me and I'm just on the outside, watching it. It's weird. I don't like it.




1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry that you're feeling so unsettled lately. I'm angry that someone is trying so hard to open old wounds. There are people who need to stay out of our lives, and when they attempt to try to work their way back in when they clearly are not wanted, it can be unsettling. But thank goodness that you've learned that lesson and burned that bridge. xoxo

    I'm really thrilled for you that you've fallen in love again. I knew that you would. You're too loveable not to. I can only imagine the conflicting emotions and the baggage and complications that come with a situation like yours. I don't pretend to understand it, but imagine it to range from feelings of wonderment to heartache and everything in between.

    Of course, on my own level, I understand the stress of being "a mom", who is trying to do her best with what she's got. The thing with kids is that we'll never know, until they grow up, how we did. And even kids who were parented "perfectly" will make choices that leave us breathless and wondering if it was something we did or said that drove them to that choice. But we must realize that each person has his and her own path to follow. And while parents play a huge role in that, eventually we each must grow into our own, and become the person that we were meant to be. The best that we can do is just love them in the best way that we know how. It's important for us to do our best, but it's also important for us to make lots of mistakes along the way, so that they know that we are human beings, capable of making mistakes. If mom made a mistake, then surely it's okay when I do. And along the way, when we finally become "grandma", we can say, "Mom, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. Did you ever...?" And we can smile knowingly and nod, and relate and share our own experiences. Each of us is a fallible human being. We want perfection which is unattainable. But we never realize that being our best, fallible selves IS the perfection. Especially in our children's eyes, who need us to be imperfect more than anything else. FAR more than they need us to be perfect.

    As for the feeling you are describing, it sounds very much like anxiety related depersonalization. Check out this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization
    I've had the same experience, which is why I think I know what you're talking about. The good news is that it's not a forever thing. But it's very unsettling when it happens.

    Take care. As always, I'm here for you. xoxoxo Love you.

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