Worn down

Today, I am feeling very worn.

Physcially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

It's just incredible how fast everything can change. Fast enough to literally make my head spin.

My arms and shoulders are sore from everything I did yesterday... refinishing the toddler bed for Dante, rearranging the boys' room to make the toddler bed fit, putting up the pet net in the girls room and hanging 6 pictures and frames up in the boys room.

My eyes are swollen, a rare outward sign of inner turmoil.

I'd love to just stay in bed today.

But I've got 3 kiddos here who need me.

I've got 3 or 4 loads of laundry to wash, another 3 or 4 to put away.

I've got beds to make.

I've got floors to sweep.

A ferret cage to clean.

A filthy dog to bathe and shave.

Toys to organize.

And potty training to work on.

There is no rest for the weary, when the weary one is a single mama.

Today, I feel worn down, more than I have in a very long time.

:o(

I really, really, really miss my boys.

I don't think I've ever missed them so much after just 24 hours.

It's just that it finally felt so right. It finally felt like everything was going to be ok, everything was going to work out.

I felt like I could handle it. I was handling it, with relative ease.

I wasn't completely overwhelmed. I wasn't ready to rip my hair out.

I was not only handling all 5, but enjoying it.

I wasn't sure that would ever happen. That I could ever have such an easy (a relative term) and enjoyable time with all the kids.

It was going so well, I could do it forever.

And, just like that, it's taken away from me. Again.

I'll have them Tuesday afternoon, like usual.

But it's not the same.

It's not right.

And tonight, I miss my boys, my beautiful stepsons, more than I have ever missed them. And it's only been 24 hours since they were here in my arms.

And as quick as life changes

It falls right back, even more quickly.

Can't explain too much on a public blog.

Apparently going back to regular visitation with the boys. Too much and too deep to explain.

But I'm upset and so anxious that I'm actually sick to my stomach.

Sometimes I feel like nothing will ever be right.

Nothing will ever go the way it should go.

Nothing will ever just be easy and work out.

And my heart is broken into a million tiny pieces, all over again.

I'm not sure how many times I can pull the pieces all back together.

It gets more difficult every time.

Time's a-changin

Things are changing, quickly.

The boys are spending most of the time here. They've been going to their mom's house on her days off. And it's actually working out really well.

I'm pulling myself together, doing what I need to do.

I'm even more exhausted than normal by the end of the day, but hey, I've been sleeping better :o)

I'm going next week to sign Rayce and Holden up for the 4-7 year old t-ball team. I'm really excited!! I think it will be wonderful for both of them. I wish the other kids were old enough to play, too.

The weather is all over the place, but as long as it's steadily getting a little warmer and a little sunnier, with more warmer days than cooler days, I'm happy as a clam.

I've got to make phone calls this week to get the kids signed up for school. Hopefully both Holden and Charlize.

We'll be spending most of this upcoming week at home, working intensely on potty training with Charlize, Dante, and Liliya. Yep, all 3 at once. May as well get it all over with. They'll all be running around half naked for the better park of the week.

I've got to spend some time on meal planning, so we can be better prepared for dinnertime.

I did a lovely little photo shoot with a friend on Thursday, which I still haven't had much time to look at and play with, I can't wait to get to it.

I've been really anxious for the last couple days, knowing there is so much I need to do. I get all worked up about all the projects I need to get done, I start one thing, get distracted, and work on something else.

Eventually it will all get done :o)

I've been very productive, compared to my normal level of productivity.

I've been thinking a lot, too. Too much, maybe.

Overall, I feel like mostly everything is going really, really well.

That's not to say that things won't be crazy tomorrow, or the next day, or next week...

But right now, I'm smiling, both outside and in :o)

Feeling Good :o) Doing Good :o)

I'm feeling really good about things.

Really, really good.

I've adjusted my attitude and it feels like everything else has just fallen into place as a result.

It's an amazing feeling.

It's amazing what you can do when you have faith in yourself.

I haven't had much faith in myself. Ever.

But I found it. Somewhere.

And it's a beautiful thing.

Yesterday, we went to the PAL center for the entire morning. We were there by 10am, amazing sinze I had to get myself and 5 kids dressed and fed and all that. I relaxed for most of the morning there while the kids played. I packed a lunch of PB sandwiches and go-gurts.

Holden was being his typical self, grumpy, defiant, and full of piss and vinegar, but I really kept my cool and stayed calm.

He's really responding to my new attitude, and that feels more amazing than anything else.

While we were there, getting ready to leave, I went to change Liliya, and she decided she had to go potty. And she really did go potty!!! Poop, even! She has never before had a successful potty visit. I am sooo proud!!!!

At about 330, the kids brought me the string cheese and asked for a snack. I had a piece too, and wondered why I felt sooooo hungry. Then I remembered that I literally hadn't had hardly anything to eat, all day. A couple pretzels from the trail mix at the PAL center. All day. Yeah, wow.

We came home when they closed, the kids ran around while I did some cleaning. When Rayce got home, they all went outside to play, and they played hard for more than 2 hours.

I kept cleaning, organizing, sorting. From the time we got home from the PAL center until bedtime, I hardly sat down at all.

We had another unsuccessful cookout for dinner. The grill needs a new gas fitting or something, apparently. So we cooked burgers on the stove, and mac and cheese, and corn.

The kids watched a bit of a movie, and then it was time for bed.

Bedtime was a little rough. Rayce wasn't cooperating. I don't think he's been getting enough sleep, he's been sooo whiney and uncooperative. I yelled, several times. It took almost half an hour to get them all to stay in bed.

Holden slept with me. He needed some serious extra snuggle time. He's such a still sleeper. He barely moved, all night. Seriously. But, he was sleeping in the middle of the bed :o)

The boys are doing really, really well. All of the kids are doing really, really well.

I'm doing really, really well too.

And it feels incredible :o)

Really, really incredible.

:o)

Do-over.

There is a lot going on right now.

My 1 year old nephew Jeremiah has pneumonia. His fever has been around 103-104 and even above, even with medicine.

My little brother in law Ziggy is having some serious health problems I've heard about only through the grapevine. Please keep him in your prayers.

Today, a bunch of nonsense went down dealing with Holden and Dante. Nothing I really want to go into details about, but nonsense, nonetheless. I'm not sure what's going to happen but we're trying to work something out that will work better for everyone, especially the boys.

Who ever thought that parenting part time could be even harder than parenting full time?!

2010 is not shaping up to be a great year.

Can I get a re-do?? A do-over??? A second chance, please?

Another week...

And a half since I last posted. Jeeze, I'm such a slacker!!

To be honest, the only reason I haven't been posting much lately...

I've been busy!!

I've been doing the opposite of slacking.

I've been pulling it together, getting out of the house, getting things done.

We've been hittin the local parks, the PAL family resource center, getting the house organized...

Pauline and the gorgeous spring weather have been helping to pull me from my pit of despair.

That being said, yesterday was an off day for me.

Spent most of the day cleaning and organizing my room, going through everything.

Pulling Anthony's socks out of the sock bin, finally, 2 years later.

Going through old pictures, sympathy cards.

It was hard.

Hard to keep going through things, hard to keep smiling, even though it felt fake.

Then I heard the song "Live Like We're Dying" on the radio, and it got my gears turning.

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up

We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

How come we don't say I love you enough

Till it's to late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come

And we could make a feast from these crumbs

And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun

So if your life flashed before you,

What would you wish you would've done

Yeah, we gotta start

Looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

And if your plane fell out of the skies

Who would you call with your last goodbye

Should be so careful who we live out our lives

So when we long for absolution,

There'll no one on the line, yeah

Yeah, we gotta start

Looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying..

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

You never know a good thing till it's gone

You never see a crash till it's head on

Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong

You never know a good thing till it's gone

Yeah, we gotta start

Looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying..

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying..

Seriously, would I regret not getting all the toys picked up before bedtime, if I died tomorrow?

Would I regret not folding the laundry?

Not making the beds?

Would I regret not putting my kids in daycare so I could work a minimum wage job?

Absolutely not.

I would regret not holding them closer, hugging them tighter, and telling them I love them more often.

I would regret not reading to them more.

I would regret not making their quilts out of Anthony's clothes.

(this is very important to me, because when I get these quilts done, they will each have a quilt made from their daddy's clothes and their most precious baby outfits, and sewn by their mama... truly a keepsake)

I would actually regret not taking more pictures and scrapbooking and journaling for them, so they could know me better through my thoughts.

What would you regret not doing, if you died tomorrow?

Do it.

Today.

Because you really and honestly never know when there might not be another tomorrow.

A long overdue update.

This blog has been lacking for the last several weeks.

We've all been passing around germs, and things have been crazy and busy.

A couple weeks ago, we had our 1-2-3-4 birthday party for nephew Jeremiah (1 Feb 11th), Liliya (2 Jan 11th), Dante (3 Feb 5th), and Holden (4 March 7th). The party was a big chaotic but the kids had a blast and that's all that matters :o)

Then, the following weekend, I pulled off a big surprise 50th birthday party for my mom :o)

She was sooooo surprised. A lot of people made it! Lots of family and friends, even people from further away (Mom's cousin Shelly flew in from MA and her friend Nancy drove down from Rome NY!).

We had a *wonderful* time, and it was wayyyy more than worth all the time effort and energy it took to pull that off! I was so glad I could do something to show Mom how much I love and appreciate her and everything she does for us :o)

Then, Charlize had her braided for the first time ever... soooo cute!

We went to our first ever doggie birthday party, for this little princess named LeeLoo.

 

and all her friends...

This doggie party... it was incredible, the amount of time and effort her Mama put into it! The most incredible doggie themes! Doggie bags, doggie food, doggie decorations...

this doggie food, served in doggie bowls with the kids names written on them... is actually Reeses Puffs cereal and corned beef hash :o) We also had corn DOGS :o)

I did a dress up photo shoot with the girlies...

We all passed around a fast and furious stomach bug.

I got the worst case of strep throat *ever* that left me unable to swallow without excrutiating pain from last Thursday until today. I've been on 3 antibiotics, one injection, one IV, and one oral, been to the walk-in, and spent over 6 hours in the emergency room. It was baaaaad.

And now, today is the 2 year anniversary of the day my sweet Anthony left us to go to heaven.

I love you most...

And THAT has been the craziness of the last several weeks. At so many points, I thought to myself that I really should update our blog, add some pictures, blah blah blah.

But life got in the way, as it so often does.

And why shouldn't it!

I have one crazy, stressful, chaotic, blessed, and charmed life :o)

yayyyy! dave fixin the roof
~*BonnieLea*~

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girls are going w grampa and mima for the night. ill be child free for rayces half day at school tomorrow! wish i was feeling weel enough to enjoy it!
~*BonnieLea*~

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liliya and mima
~*BonnieLea*~

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my mini picasso
~*BonnieLea*~

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my mini picasso
~*BonnieLea*~

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can u see how red my throat is. on a camera phone?? yeahhh. iv antibiotics and pain killers. throat and blood and urine cultures. fun stuff man.
~*BonnieLea*~

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I was gonna

I was gonna upload a bunch of new pics from the last 2 weeks. But I just can't do it right now.

Charlize has been running a fever since last night.

Now I'm feeling incredibly achey and I want to cry  :'o(

I'm desperately hoping that a good night's sleep makes me feel better. I have a really hard time taking care of the kids feeling like this.

twisting charlizes hair. taking forever but oh so cute
~*BonnieLea*~

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~*BonnieLea*~

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~*BonnieLea*~

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miserable charlize :o(
~*BonnieLea*~

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charlize is talented at chopsticks. or smething :-P
~*BonnieLea*~

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diggin for gold!
~*BonnieLea*~

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