~*BonnieLea*~

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Crap.

Liliya puked during the night and didn't cry or yell or get up to tell me. So I found it this morning. I followed my nose. The girls room smelled very sour. Crap.

Ick.

I woke up about 5am feeling gross. I've been incredibly incredibly nauseous all day. My stomach is in knots. I've been in the bathroom half of the day. Crap.

I managed to choke down a small bowl of soup.

Then I took a nap.

Then I managed to eat half a bagel.

I'm functioning, I can do what I have to do to take care of the kids.

But I don't feel well. At all.

So I can't take the boys tonight. We've postponed our weekend with them until Sunday night into Monday afternoon. I miss them :o(

I've got soooo much to do.

I went outside for about half an hour and tried to shovel. I got *one* side of my van un-buried. The snow was literally up to the door handles. There is no place else to put the snow. It's over 4 feet high in the front yard, it's so high that when you toss more snow up onto the pile, it just rolls back down the other side.

Right now, I just want to cry. I feel like crap, I can't get anything done, and I'm not enjoying being a Mama at the moment. Which makes me feel even more like crap.

Crap.

thats rayce foot and my foot. i can wear his socks!! he's 5 years old and his feet are all of like 2 inches smaller than mine!
~*BonnieLea*~

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charlize the harmonica extraordinaire!!
~*BonnieLea*~

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Ickies

Charlize complained of a belly ache all day. She barely ate, and just layed around all day. By this afternoon, she seemed a little better.

Rayce got off the bus at 345, ran upstairs (we were still in bed napping), cried, said his head hurt, layed down next to me for about 10 seconds, jumped up, ran in the bathroom, and puked.

:o(

Since 345 this afternoon, that's 6 hours, he's puked about 10 (ish) times.

My poor, poor guy.

He is so sick.

Rayce got a sip of ginger ale for dinner. The rest of us had a breakfast dinner.

Charlize sat at the table, took a bite of toast, and puked everywhere.

She doesn't seem to be feeling that sick.

I can only assume that Liliya and I are next.

I can only hope that it's over quickly.

I am TERRIFIED of getting sick myself and having to take care of 3 children by myself.

This part of being a single parent is one of the hardest.

I hate the ickies.

1-2-3-4 Birthday Party!

This weekend we had our 1-2-3-4 birthday party!! My nephew Jeremiah turned one this month, Liliya turned 2 last month, Dante turned 3 this month, and Holden turns 4 next month. We had one big party.

It was crazy. Chaotic. Unorganized. Stressful.

But the kids had a blast. And that's all that matters!!

So, here are a few pictures.

Enjoy!

getting ready for our 2 3 4 (plus 1) party!!
~*BonnieLea*~

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rayce. in a house full of girls. playing with the dollhouse. with a car named dave instead of a doll. lol. thats my boy!
~*BonnieLea*~

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fairy witch charlize
~*BonnieLea*~

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Today

I've got so much to do.

I've got so much on my mind.

Had strange dreams last night.

Dreams that make me question my parenting.

I'm not feeling like a very good mom.

I know part of that is the depression resurfacing. It makes me act in ways that are unlike Bonnie.

It affects the way I react. It makes me angrier. More irritable. Less calm. Less capable.

But I am starting to feel better.

I just feel like I'm stuck in such a rut.

A rut the size of the Grand Canyon.

I feel like I have no options, no possible way to move forward.

People ask me "So, are you working yet? Going to school?"

I have no way to work. I can't afford daycare.

I lost my financial aid for school, took on too much that I couldn't handle and failed/pulled out of too many classes. I can't pay for school, financial aid was the only way I could go.

I feel like there is no way I'll ever be able to support my own family.

And that is a terrible feeling.

I'm exploring my options.

Trying to find a way out.

Hoping something works out.

I've got a lot to do today.

The same things I do every day.

Gotta clean. The house is trashed.

Gotta do laundry. It never ends.

Gotta consciously pay attention to my reactions to the kids, consciously remember to be calm and gentle.

Gotta spend more quality time with the kids.

I love my kids.

They are literally my whole world.

And I need to act like it more often.

Actions speak louder than words.

Ok, I'm getting up and getting moving.

Got lots to do today.

Did I already say that?

my big boyyyyy reading!1
~*BonnieLea*~

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raycer reading like a big boy :o)
~*BonnieLea*~

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Practice Makes Perfect!

Go to my photography blog to see the rest of the pics from today's photoshoot!!!

my birthdayyyyy present!! backdrop and lighting kit!!! ahhhhhhh!!
~*BonnieLea*~

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Sick.

I'm sick.

Again.

I was sick for 3 weeks.

Reasonably healthy for around a week.

And now I'm sick again.

It came on quickly.

The night before last night my nose was stuffy.

Then I woke up yesterday and my nose was still stuffy, and my ears were full.

Then last night, we made a quick run to Sam's Club for diapers, wipes, and pull-ups.

We pulled into the gas station. I blew my nose.

Something happened to my ear.

I got so dizzy I almost passed out.

I was nauseous.

I couldn't drive.

Mom drove us home.

About the time we pulled up in the driveway, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I felt achey.

Sore.

Sick.

I changed the kids, put them in bed.

And crashed.

I was up half the night.

Laying there.

Unable to breathe out of my nose.

At all.

Ears aching.

Today, it's no better.

I was hoping.

I had plans for today.

Now my only plans involve lots of Sudafed and Afrin.

And the couch.



I don't even feel like FaceBook'in, if that gives you an idea of how I feel.

I am always on FaceBook.

I hate being sick.

HOLY PROUD MAMA!!!

Sunshine

It's sunny today, and that always makes me feel better.

I went to the walk-in, got a prescription for my eye (which is doing better today) and got a presciption for an upped dosage of Zoloft.

We went to Wal Mart, I printed some pictures to scrapbook, bought a pack of Valentines for Rayce, some Hershey's syrup for his V-day ice cream sundae party tomorrow at school, and a few t shirts for the kids that were on sale.

As we were coming out of the store, who should be parking, 2 spots away from us, but my friend Amy :o)
She lives half an hour away. I, as a rule, don't go out in public by myself with the kids, and hardly ever during the day. What are the chances we would both be in the same place at the same time?

Yeah. Coincidence. Or something.

I've been doubling up on my 50 mg Zoloft for the last few days, and I feel like it's already starting to help.

I got a lot done yesterday, once I got moving. I organized all the toys in the foyer, scrubbed out the toybox, wipes down the front window and wall. I swept and mopped all the downstairs floors.

Today, first thing this morning I got the chicken marengo going in the crock pot, went to the Dr, went to Wal Mart.

It's more than I've done in a week, in just 24 hours.

That Zoloft is like sunshine for my brain. And as much as sometimes I think that my past and present issues with depression have been environmental... when a little pill can help me feel so much better, I'm defintiely more inclined to think that it is, indeed, a  chemical/hormonal issue that I'm dealing with.

So, anyway, we didn't make it to MiMa's house today like we planned. Since I have to be back to get Rayce off the bus and we were so late getting out of the walk-in, we just rescheduled for tomorrow.

Today is my nephew Jeremiah's 1st birthday. Happy Birthday big guy!!!

We're going over to their house for cake tonight.

One of my really good friends may be moving from Atlanta to NY very soon. Mary's boyfriend Ray (who was one of Anthony's best friends, more like a brother, really) has an interview, in Cortland, tomorrow.

Please, please, please, please, please... pray he gets the job!! They could really use a fresh start. And having them 45 minutes away... it would just be absolutely incredible.

I'm going to try to take the kids and go see Raymond tonight, trying to work out the details, not sure when he'll be to his hotel (or how he's getting there from the airport, even!).

The fact that this company flew him in and put him in a hotel for the night, just for the interview (the second interview!) tells me that they reallllllly want him!!

So keep your fingers crossed for Ray!!

Anyway, enough for now. I've got laundry to work on. Or to think about working on, anyway ;o)

February, So Far, in Pictures.

The Night That Will Not End.

This is the night that will not end.

Have you ever had one??

I was soooo tired all day. I came to bed at 8 and was knocked out by 830. But I've been tossing and turning and turning and tossing ever since. I keep looking at the clock, and it's only an hour or later every time. I can't get comfortable, can't stay asleep.

I'm so tired that I can't sleep. If that makes any sense.

My eye is bothering me. I have pink eye. I had to get up to hold a warm washcloth on it to break up the ewwwey gooeys that were holding it shut. It's watering so bad that when I sat up, it felt like tears running down my face. I'm going to have to wash my pillows and pillowcases in the morning.

I can hear my mom snoring in the next room. Through the wall. That's only 1/4 as loud as she used to snore. You used to be able to feel the wall vibrate in the next room. I'm not kidding. I don't know how she slept through her own snoring.

I'm tired. Did you know that already?

Birthdays

I'm having a birthday party (a joint one!) for Liliya, Dante, and Holden, within the next couple weeks.

I'm trying to figure out what to get them! They got so much for Christmas.

I know I want to get the boys each a new bedset and pillow for at their mom's house.

I'm thinking about the Fisher Price Snap 'n Style dolls for Liliya. I think she would have a blast with them.

I had originally wanted to get a play kitchen. But they're expensive, the kitchen I want for them is on sale for $140 and I'm not really sure we have the room. I'm still thinking about it. I could get free super saving shipping from Amazon, but then it could take 2 weeks to come in. Hmmmm. And then they need pots and pans and dishes and play food too. I dunno.

The boys are so much easier to shop for. Anything Transformers, Power Rangers, action figure-ish. Easy Peasy, Lemon Squeezey. Anthony used to say that :o)

Smile Because It Happened.

Twenty-three months.

Twenty-three months ago, my world came crashing down around me, and my life changed, forever.

Twenty-three months ago my children lost their father before they even got a chance to know him.

Twenty-three months ago I sat on the couch blankly while family and friends came in and out.

When the door would open, I would think it was him. When the phone rang, I yelled to him to answer it. When moms from STK brought us a truckload full of groceries and diapers, I turned around to ask him if he could believe it.

But he wasn't there.

Twenty-four months ago, he bought me the biggest Valentine's card I had ever seen. It was poster-sized. Twenty-four months ago, I had gotten my post-partum depression under control with the help of Zoloft. Twenty-four months ago, our relationship was finally feeling right again, we were getting along wonderfully, feeling more in love than ever before, pressing up against each other at night and breathing each other in.

Twenty-four months ago. So different than twenty-three months ago.

It all changed in a matter of moments.

I can't beleive it's been almost 2 years.

I miss him so much. It literally hurts.

But, as the saying goes...

'Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.'

We had an amazing, stressfull, overwhelming, crazy, beautiful, passionate, incredible run.

So, I'm smiling. Even if, sometimes, I cry at the same time.

:'o)

Blahhh-ness

I've been feeling kinda low for the last couple of weeks. I can tell just by looking back at my blog. I can tell by looking around my house.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, stressed, stuck in a rut, and lonely.

Today, I recognized it as depression.

Which really sucks, and it really scares me, because I've been there before, and it's gotten bad. I'm calling to make an appointment tomorrow. I'm going to ask them to up my dosage of Zoloft. I just can't go there again. I have to take care of my kids, there is no one else to do it. And I can't do it indefinitely while feeling like this.

I feel like the lack of fresh air and sunlight could have a lot to do with it. I'm thinking about getting myself a full spectrum light for my room. I could sit under it while I watch TV after the kids go to bed.

I need to feel better than I feel right now. Whatever it takes.

I was watching the SuperBowl commercials, online. The Dog Gets Revenge Doritos video was hilarious.

Stopped dead in my tracks when I saw this...

Watch more YouTube videos on AOL Video

Anthony's signature in his emails always read "Sent with Parisian Love and New York Style".

Coincidence?

Nah.

I'd like to think it's a sign. From him.

:'o)

Summerrrrrr and Stressssss and Stuffffffffff

I can't wait for summer.

I am sick of winter. I'm sick of the cold. I'm sick of being stuck inside. I'm sick of the kids being stuck inside.

I'm browsing online looking at summer clothes. My favorite thing to dress the girls in during the summer is the little sundresses with bloomers. I need to keep my eyes open and keep hitting the consignment shops and Salvation Army when I have a little bit of money to spend. Last summer, the girls had plenty of clothes, but their dresses were what they wore all summer long.

I'm stressing about finances right now, among other things. The kids are growing so quickly and I just can't afford to buy much. None of Liliya's clothes from last summer are going to fit her, she has grown sooo much. Last summer I actually squeezed her into a lot of her 6-9 month summer clothes from the year before. The 2 piece dress and bloomer sets last a lot longer, because since they have the matching bloomers, it doesn't much matter if the dresses are short. Previous years I've been able to just go out and buy the kids things when I needed to, but money is so tight right now, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. It's just so stressful and I spend a lot of time worrying about it.

If anyone has kids clothes to get rid of or wants gift ideas for birthdays or something, the girls needs size 3-4-5 and the boys need size 5-6-7 clothes (size 4 pants/shorts for Dante). For the summer and one size up for next fall and winter.

I'm thinking about trying to find a part time job. Finding a job that would work for me will be rough, and finding daycare or a babysitter will be rough too. But right now, I need the money AND I need some time out of the house and away from the kids occassionally. I'm stuck in such a rut and I'm really feeling it lately.

I need to find something part time, maybe 2 days a week for like 4-6 hours, between like 9 am and 3pm, so I can be home in time to get Rayce off the bus. Something like a secretarial position, a 'companionship' non medical caregiver, something. I have to try to find something.

I have to do something to get out of this rut and make things easier for us.

It's Salad.

(me:) Charlize, is that poop right there in your pullup??

(Charlize:) No.

(me:) It isn't? It looks like poop to me.

(Charlize:) No, it's not poop.

 (me:) Oh really? Then what is it, in your pullup, that looks like poop?

(Charlize:) It's salad.

Oh. Of course.

Happy 3rd Birthday Dante!!!

Happy Birthday Dante Man!!! I don't know where in the world the last 3 years have gone. I missed the first few weeks of your life, only saw you one a week for about a year, and even though you've been a huge part of my life for 2 years now... I just don't understand where the time went. It seems like just last month you were a tiny baby with that ugly pink and green pacifier hanging out of your mouth 24/7...

Dante, it's been a long road to get where we are now, and it's far from over. But I love you and I will not give up until we have the relationship I know are capable of.

I love you Dante, lots and lots and lots, I love you most :o)

~*BonnieLea*~

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sweet lilabee :'o)
~*BonnieLea*~

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liliya still insists that she's 5.
~*BonnieLea*~

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Photography

More pics up on my photography blog... check them out.

http://citylovephotography.blogspot.com/

Recommitted

I'm recommitted to our homepreschool.

I've been slacking the last couple of weeks, in many different areas.

But this is one area I'm not willing to let go.

Don't get me wrong... I don't expect my children to sit at the dining room table and fill out worksheets all day. That would be ridiculous.

But I do expect myself to spend more time sitting down with them and talking about different things, letting them explore different things, and expanding upon the things they are interested in.

I do expect myself to keep the TV from becoming a babysitter, there to keep the kids entertained and out of my hair.

I do expect myself to provide as many opportunities for learning as possible, whether that learning comes from a book or a bug in the backyard.

Yes, I am recommitted. To the minds and hearts of my kiddos :o)