Today

I've got so much to do.

I've got so much on my mind.

Had strange dreams last night.

Dreams that make me question my parenting.

I'm not feeling like a very good mom.

I know part of that is the depression resurfacing. It makes me act in ways that are unlike Bonnie.

It affects the way I react. It makes me angrier. More irritable. Less calm. Less capable.

But I am starting to feel better.

I just feel like I'm stuck in such a rut.

A rut the size of the Grand Canyon.

I feel like I have no options, no possible way to move forward.

People ask me "So, are you working yet? Going to school?"

I have no way to work. I can't afford daycare.

I lost my financial aid for school, took on too much that I couldn't handle and failed/pulled out of too many classes. I can't pay for school, financial aid was the only way I could go.

I feel like there is no way I'll ever be able to support my own family.

And that is a terrible feeling.

I'm exploring my options.

Trying to find a way out.

Hoping something works out.

I've got a lot to do today.

The same things I do every day.

Gotta clean. The house is trashed.

Gotta do laundry. It never ends.

Gotta consciously pay attention to my reactions to the kids, consciously remember to be calm and gentle.

Gotta spend more quality time with the kids.

I love my kids.

They are literally my whole world.

And I need to act like it more often.

Actions speak louder than words.

Ok, I'm getting up and getting moving.

Got lots to do today.

Did I already say that?