Why are you crying?

It was bedtime.

The kids were nuts, I was getting really frustrated.

I yelled. 

Repeatedly.

Finally, they got into their beds.

I went in to say goodnight, and Rayce was crying quietly.

I told him I was sorry for yelling, I would try really hard not to and he should try really hard to listen the first time he was told to do something.

I went to hug him, and the tears flowed.

So I held him for a while.

He kept crying, very softly, no sounds, just streams of tears.

I asked him why he was crying, he kept saying he didn't know.

I asked him if anything at school was bothering him, he said no.

I asked him if I had hurt his feelings, he said no.

He kept saying he didn't know why he was crying.

But every time I would look at him and ask him why he was still crying, the tears started again.

So I asked him to think of some reason he *might* be crying.

He said maybe he just didn't want to go to bed yet.

I told him that was a good try, but I knew that bedtime delaying tears are different.

I asked him if he was crying because he misses Daddy, and he started sobbing.

Obviously, even if he didn't understand why he was crying before that moment, that was the reason.

My poor, sweet boy :o(

I cried.

He cried.

We cried together.

Ya know, I always feel like the kids are doing really well, considering.

And to be honest, Rayce is the only one who misses HIM, not just the idea of him.

He's the only one who really remembers, anything at all.

But I always worried that even Rayce wouldn't remember much at all.

He was only 3.

He only had three years with his daddy.

But my boy is something else.

And he misses his daddy terribly, even though most of the time, you would never know.

It breaks my heart.

After holding him for a while, rocking him, singing to him, rubbing his back, I told him it really was time to hop in bed and go to sleep.

He said "remember when you used to let me sleep with you?"

I said yes I remembered, but we're all tired and we need our sleep, and we each sleep better in our own beds.

He started to argue a little.

I told him that we miss Daddy every single moment of every single day, but we still have to keep on moving forward, doing what we have to do every day, like going to school, doing homework, cleaning up, and going to bed.

He quickly said "ok", then hopped into bed, pulled the covers up, and didn't make another peep.

But I knew something wasn't right.

He had rolled over to face the wall, with the blankets up around his neck.

I rolled him over, and he was crying again.

Silently.

Rayce is sleeping soundly next to me.

And tonight, I'm missing his daddy sooo much more than I have in a very, very, very, very long time :'o(

No Air.