Tuesday, December 14, 2010


There is so much going on all at once, it's like a slap in the face.

Most of it is of the every day chaos/stress type.

Christmas is in a week and a half and I still have lots to get done.
I absolutely can't wait for Christmas, I'm excited about it, but it's still a stress.

I've been feeling incredibly under the weather, to say the least.

Now Charlize has an ear infection, and Rayce is going to miss school today because we just woke up ten minutes ago.

Emotionally, a lot is hitting the fan all at the same time.

I miss Anthony. Desperately. 
I wonder a lot how different life would be if he were still here.
I wonder how much different the kids would be if their daddy was here.
I wonder if Liliya would have had him wrapped around her tiny finger like I always imagine.
I wonder how different Holden would be if he hadn't lost the most important person in his life, he was such a Daddy's boy, and his life changed more than anyones with Anthony's death.
I miss pressing my back up against his.
I miss kissing his back in between his shoulderblades.
I miss tracing his face with my fingertip while we stayed up late talking.
I miss him. So much.

The kids' behavior has left a lot to be desired, and it makes me feel like a terrible mother.

I've been thinking too much lately.

Jason and I broke up about a month ago and all of a sudden I started to miss him, even though we're still 'friends' and have seen each other a few times since then, and we got into a huge fight the night before last which has left me questioning lots.

And feeling more lonely and cut off from the rest of the world than normal.

I feel like nothing is ever about Bonnie.
Like no one cares what Bonnie needs or what's wrong with Bonnie, as long as Bonnie keeps doing what  THEY need her to do.

That's a really lonely feeling.


Today I'm gonna hold my babies, read to them, play with them, breathe them in, and remind myself to count my blessings.

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