Seeing other people go on with their lives like nothing had changed.
And wanting to scream at the top of my lungs
"What the hell is wrong with you people?? Do you not realize what has happened???"
I remember being scared to go out in public.
Scared I would bump into someone who didn't know.
Scared I would have to say it out loud, explain it.
Scared I would break down in front of someone.
I remember seeing life go on around me.
And wondering how it was possible that the world was still spinning like it always had.
How do you chat about bad service at a restaurant?
How do you go out shoe shopping?
How do you laugh and joke and smile
when something like this has happened???
For a short while, everyone is there, offering sympathy and condolances and gifts.
But after a bit, not too long at all, really, everyone goes back to their own lives.
And you're still lost.
Alone.
Empty.
Broken.
Still missing the biggest part of yourself.
Forever.
The sun still rises in the mornings and sets in the evenings.
But you are changed, forever.
And everyone else just goes on with life.
And someday, you will too.
It doesn't feel like it right now.
And you will never, ever, ever, NEVER forget, or be healed.
But you will go on.
Because there is nothing else to do.
You will tear up and even cry from time to time, more often in the beginning.
Some days you will be able to look at pictures, and some days a picture will make your throw up.
At least a few times, you'll wake up in the middle of the night, or in the morning, and forget, just for a moment, that he's gone.
Then you'll remember, and you'll sob.
You'll have dreams that he's back.
That he's a ghost.
That you're reminding him he's gone.
That he's sick or injured but not really gone.
You'll find yourself reliving those terrible moments at night when you close your eyes.
You'll check to make sure your loved ones are still breathing at random moments.
Check to make sure everyone else is still ok.
In time, things will get better.
The nightmares and fear will come less often.
You will find yourself smiling.
At first, you'll feel guilty about it.
But at some point, you'll realize that there is nothing to feel bad about.
Life goes on.
Without the ones we will never forget.
It hurts.
It's terrible.
But you keep chugging along, because you have no other choice.
Because the rest of your family needs you.
And some day, you'll be able to talk about him and look at pictures of him and smile about it, honestly, even if you are blinking back tears at the same moment.
I remember.
Because I lived it too.
Not exactly, but similar.
And I remember.
I will never forget.
And neither will you.
