I felt guilty about not taking the boys. But I am just not capable of chasing 5 kids around an open space for 8 hours, I had a hard enough time with 3. And I didn't feel up to explaining the whole stepkids situation to all those family that don't know us well, either.
I didn't have Holden this weekend at all, he was with his mother's friend for the July-Fest. It was actually nice to have just Dante for a bit. Much calmer. I think most of the conflicts that go on when I have all 5 kids are conflicts between Holden and Dante. So with just one of the two, a lot of the confrontations never happen. I got some real quality time with Dante man, and I loved it. It has taken a lot for us to get where we are in our relationship. A year and a half ago, I never would have thought I could love him like my own. But I do, and for that, I am grateful.
Ya know, when Anthony first passed away, one of my thoughts was that it had to happen so Dante wouldn't be the deep dark family secret for his entire life.
I kept telling myself... I *keep* telling myself, that everything happens for a reason, and there IS a reason behind this, even if we never know what that reason is, it had to happen.
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ANYWAY... we leave for vacation on Friday, and I have a million things to do. I need to finish getting the bedrooms cleaned. I need to make sure all the laundry is done and put away so I can pack. I need to pack. I need to clean out the van. I need to do a bit of meal planning and grocery shopping. It's a LOT to get done with 5-7 kids under my feet!!! I'm stressing so much already!
Tomorrow we're going over to my cousin's house. I am so excited. She has lived very close to us for a long time and we never see each other. But we reconnected at the family reunion and we're going to get together tomorrow. She has 5 kids, a few of which are around my kids' ages. They played so nicely together at the reunion! She homeschools her kids, so I'm planning to pick her brain a little about things I could do at home with my kids.
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I have thought so much about homeschooling my own kids. But I am so trapped right now. I can't work, because I can't afford daycare. I lost my financial aid for school. I am completely and totally trapped, until my kids are in school. I need them to go to school so that I can pull things together and try to get our lives back on track. So, I have no choices here. But I am doing what I can here at home to give them a leg up, and that makes me happy, despite my lack of options in the matter.
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Anyway, I've got to get to the laundry. I'm hoping to get the van cleaned out today too, it probably won't happen, unless the kids really cooperate at naptime, I suppose. But, I'm going to try my darndest!!!
I have enjoyed reading your blog. Thank you for sharing. We start tomorrow. ”What would your children say?” Wednesday, I hope you can join in the fun.
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