Saturday, December 19, 2009

Twas the weekend before Christmas

And all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a....

Oh wait. Everyone is, in fact, still stirring!!

We made the hour and a half long drive to Syracuse today to see Anthony's grandma and cousins. His father lost his phone a few weeks ago, so I had no way of getting ahold of him :o(

It's always a long drive, but well worth it :o)

I love Anthony's family. They are just wonderful.

We made it up right around lunch time and just hung out all afternoon. The kids played, we chatted, ordered a pizza, passed around some pictures, and had a good time.

I wish we could make it up there more often. Ideally, once every month or two. But it's so much work dragging 5 kids that far. It's so much money I really don't have to fill the gas tank only to use at least half of it that same day , and to buy one or even two meals out for 6 people.

It was a rough evening. The kids missed their naps this afternoon, so they napped from 5-6 in the car on the way home. Which wasn't long enough. So when we pulled in to the driveway, 3 of them started crying. Mom had fixed some dinner shortly before we got home. None of them would eat. Charlize sat in the foyer and screamed for a good half hour. Dante cried and whined for over an hour. Holden stood in the living room and peed in his pants without a second thought. All of them are sick with colds, snotty noses and coughs.

I was glad for bedtime.

But they're still up.

At least they're not crying, I guess.


My Christmas shopping is done. I managed to get each of the kids 3 presents and a few stocking stuffers (coloring books and play-doh, jewelry for the girls, small action figures for Holden and Dante, and a card game for Rayce), and my mom bought them several group gifts. I got Holden and Dante like 6 or 7 packages of socks for at their moms, Holden a few packs of new undies, and their little sister Marley a couple packages of socks also.

We're going to wrap tomorrow at nap time.

We've got a gingerbread house to put together, cookies to bake, and 'white trash' to make tomorrow as well.

And of course I've gotta clean and do laundry. That part never ends.


I'm feeling so much better the last few days. I had a really rough week or two recently.

It's still so up and down. Definitely more ups than downs as time goes on, but this most recent down period was soooo down. I've started having nightmares and flashbacks again, which hasn't happened in months and months.

I just miss him so much :o(

So unbelievably much.

I still can't believe that he died. How does that happen?

I used to sit on his lap when he sat at the computer. I would wrap my arms around him, nuzzle my face into his neck, close my eyes, and just breathe him in, sighing deeply because I loved him soooooo much.

I stayed through all the crap because I could NOT stand the thought of living my life without him there with me every day.

And here I am anyway. Without him.

Without the love of my life.

I feel like I can never love again. I know that probably sounds so incredibly cliche. But it's true. How can you ever love someone that much again, after losing someone that you loved with everything inside of you, everything that you had, with every corner of your heart?

I miss him. And it hurts. It hurts.

And I know that I will be ok. I know that the kids will be ok. I know that we are ok.

But it still hurts.

And not a moment goes by that I don't ache to breathe him in and feel him in my arms.

My heart will always ache for him.

Anthony, I miss you, soooooo soooooooo sooooooooo much, and I still love you. I love you more. I love you most. Now, forever, always...

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