Where, oh where have the last FIVE years gone???
Five years ago almost to the minute, I was getting an epidural. My water had broken at 4am and the pain was getting too intense to handle. Since I was being induced, they wouldn't let me stay in the tub for long because they had to monitor the baby's heart rate for 45 minutes out of every hour.
After the epidural, Rayce's heart rate started dropping with every contraction. I layed on my left side, was given oxygen, they put an internal monitor on his scalp, and nothing improved. It wasn't life threatening but it was enough for them to wonder if a vaginal birth was safe.
Fast forward several hours and I am STILL only 5 centimeters dialated, after 2 1/2 days of induction. The baby's heart rate is still declining after every contraction, and, finally, the Dr calls for a c-section. I cried. I wanted so badly to PUSH my baby out.
The experience was odd. It was strange to lay down, feel some weird pressure, and then hear a baby cry. My baby. I cried too.
They cleaned him up and then Anthony brought him over to me. I couldn't believe that was my baby. I just could not believe that I was a mother... that THAT had been growing in my belly. I felt like that every time I had a baby... I know there was something in there, growing and moving and kicking... but that BABY was?? Seems to strange to think about.
They brought him back to me in recovery and I nursed him for the first time. He latched right on and nursed for 40 minutes.
I remember waking up in the middle of the night and seeing Anthony holding him, just staring at him. The Gaze. That "OMG I *made* this and it is so perfect and beautiful and how in the *world* am I so lucky" gaze. The Gaze.
Yesterday, I told Rayce 'tomorrow is your birthday!'. And he said "I wish Daddy could be here to see me turn 5". :'o(
Some moments are harder than others.
This morning he asked me if he looked any taller. And I think he does.
Some moments are easier.
My baby is 5. I have been a mother for five years. He starts school in 2 1/2 weeks. My babies are growing up. :'o)
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