Anxiety

I've been feeling very *blah* for the last couple of months, but especially the last week. I've been missing Anthony terribly. I've been feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and trapped.

I am so broke. And I have practically no options. I can't work because I can't afford daycare. There is no point in working and putting my kids in daycare to be raised by strangers if I don't end up with enough *more* money to make it worth our while. I lost my financial aid because I failed my classes last semester after ending up with the boys full time for that month+. I was just not physically or emotionally capable of taking care of 5 kids ALL the time (and my nephew 5 days a week during the day) and keeping up with 15 credit hours worth of college work (which ended up being about 25 hours a week worth of school work, which required quiet and no interruptions, yeah right!!). So I can't work because it wouldn't be worth my while. I can't go to school because I can't afford to pay my bill from last semester and for a new semester. I *do* babysit my 2 nephews here at home 5 days a week (soon to be only 3 days a week) for a *little* extra money. But it's so stressful. Even without hardly any bills... the money just doesn't go far enough. I have to buy Rayce (and possibly Charlize, too, I'm still fighting with myself about sending her to pre-k, and possibly Holden also...) school clothes and supplies. My van needs new tires and now new brakes in the back. Rayce's birthday is in a few weeks and Christmas is in a couple months. Christmas is hard with 5 kids to buy for. Last year we had it sooooo good, so many people helped out, but this Christmas, it's all us.

I'm so lonely. I miss Anthony so much. Sooooooo much. I think the loneliness, the real loneliness, is finally setting in. And I *know* I can't have Anthony back. But I don't want to be alone. I *want* ANTHONY back. But since I know I can't have him, I'd settle for any amazing man who would love me and my kids. Yeah right, right?! I just want someone to have over on the weekends for a BBQ, someone to go see a movie with or go out to dinner with. Someone who would want to go to the park with me and help me chase kids. Someone to lay with and hold hands with while we watch the fireworks at the Field Days. I KNOW I'm not perfect but I feel like I'm a good enough and sweet enough person that someone wonderful should want all that with me. And I know I'm gonna have to kiss a bunch more toads before I find a Prince again... but seriously, c'mon, I feel like I deserve a nice guy in my life already. It just gets old, being alone. Especially when I'm missing him so much... a nice guy would make it a little easier.


Over the course of the last week, since I've been feeling particularly *blah*, this has taken the form of crying over odd little things, having absolutely no energy or motivation, and tonight, list writing. Severe list writing. Pages and pages of lists. And diet pepsi drinking. Lotsss of diet pepsi lime. It's probably a good thing we don't have any junk food in the house. I could really go for a bag of Doritos and a handful of Dove Promises right about now. Not to mention some Peachtree Schnapps, on the rocks. If that's how you spell Schnapps, which it probably isn't.

I'm trying to figure out what would make my life/schedule a little easier and give me a little more time to breathe. Once school starts, I'm not going to be able to keep the boys overnight on school nights, which *just* occured to me. I'm already planning on cutting back to 3 days a week with Linda's kids. If I had the boys Friday night into Saturday and then, I dunno, maybe Tuesday afternoons/evenings from whenever Rayce gets home till after dinner, I would still get to see them a few days a week. Then if I took Linda's kids like Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, then I would have Tuesday during the day, Thursday, and Sunday with just 3 kids (Tues and Thurs during the day with just TWO KIDS!). Which actually sounds *quite nice*. I think I'll try to get that worked out.

As soon as we get back from vacation at Schroon Lake, I'm going to get us on a much better schedule. I've got to do it, for Rayce's sake. I've gotta start bathing the kids every night and getting them in bed earlier and actually waking them up in the morning, so Rayce can get used to the schedule he'll be on for school.

I am so excited but so nervous about him starting school. I can't believe he's already going to be 5 and starting school. Doesn't seem possible. Rayce was just 3 when Anthony died. Now he's about to be 5 and and becoming a kindergartner. Doesn't seem right.

I can't believe it's been almost a year and a half... next month. So much has happened. The kids are so different. They're so grown. To think that Liliya was only 2 months old... and now she's 18 months, walking and talking and getting an attitude... he missed everything of Liliya's life except her birth. And her first smiles. She smiled first for him, just like all the kids did. Soup.

When I think about dating, it's hard when it comes to the kids. My kids are so cute and loveable, I think, how could any guy *not* love my kids. But when they get to be obnoxious and crazed, sometimes *I* don't even like them and I just want to run away, I can't imagine how someone with no paternal feelings towards them would feel when it gets crazy (which happens a *lot*). *Sigh*.

I've got to have faith. This is a test. This is only a test. Things may be hard, but they WILL get easier, they WILL get better, and someday, things WILL feel (almost) right again.

I was only given this life because I am strong enough to live it. I'll just keep telling myself that...