~*BonnieLea*~

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Crap.

Liliya puked during the night and didn't cry or yell or get up to tell me. So I found it this morning. I followed my nose. The girls room smelled very sour. Crap.

Ick.

I woke up about 5am feeling gross. I've been incredibly incredibly nauseous all day. My stomach is in knots. I've been in the bathroom half of the day. Crap.

I managed to choke down a small bowl of soup.

Then I took a nap.

Then I managed to eat half a bagel.

I'm functioning, I can do what I have to do to take care of the kids.

But I don't feel well. At all.

So I can't take the boys tonight. We've postponed our weekend with them until Sunday night into Monday afternoon. I miss them :o(

I've got soooo much to do.

I went outside for about half an hour and tried to shovel. I got *one* side of my van un-buried. The snow was literally up to the door handles. There is no place else to put the snow. It's over 4 feet high in the front yard, it's so high that when you toss more snow up onto the pile, it just rolls back down the other side.

Right now, I just want to cry. I feel like crap, I can't get anything done, and I'm not enjoying being a Mama at the moment. Which makes me feel even more like crap.

Crap.

thats rayce foot and my foot. i can wear his socks!! he's 5 years old and his feet are all of like 2 inches smaller than mine!
~*BonnieLea*~

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charlize the harmonica extraordinaire!!
~*BonnieLea*~

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Ickies

Charlize complained of a belly ache all day. She barely ate, and just layed around all day. By this afternoon, she seemed a little better.

Rayce got off the bus at 345, ran upstairs (we were still in bed napping), cried, said his head hurt, layed down next to me for about 10 seconds, jumped up, ran in the bathroom, and puked.

:o(

Since 345 this afternoon, that's 6 hours, he's puked about 10 (ish) times.

My poor, poor guy.

He is so sick.

Rayce got a sip of ginger ale for dinner. The rest of us had a breakfast dinner.

Charlize sat at the table, took a bite of toast, and puked everywhere.

She doesn't seem to be feeling that sick.

I can only assume that Liliya and I are next.

I can only hope that it's over quickly.

I am TERRIFIED of getting sick myself and having to take care of 3 children by myself.

This part of being a single parent is one of the hardest.

I hate the ickies.

1-2-3-4 Birthday Party!

This weekend we had our 1-2-3-4 birthday party!! My nephew Jeremiah turned one this month, Liliya turned 2 last month, Dante turned 3 this month, and Holden turns 4 next month. We had one big party.

It was crazy. Chaotic. Unorganized. Stressful.

But the kids had a blast. And that's all that matters!!

So, here are a few pictures.

Enjoy!

getting ready for our 2 3 4 (plus 1) party!!
~*BonnieLea*~

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rayce. in a house full of girls. playing with the dollhouse. with a car named dave instead of a doll. lol. thats my boy!
~*BonnieLea*~

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fairy witch charlize
~*BonnieLea*~

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Today

I've got so much to do.

I've got so much on my mind.

Had strange dreams last night.

Dreams that make me question my parenting.

I'm not feeling like a very good mom.

I know part of that is the depression resurfacing. It makes me act in ways that are unlike Bonnie.

It affects the way I react. It makes me angrier. More irritable. Less calm. Less capable.

But I am starting to feel better.

I just feel like I'm stuck in such a rut.

A rut the size of the Grand Canyon.

I feel like I have no options, no possible way to move forward.

People ask me "So, are you working yet? Going to school?"

I have no way to work. I can't afford daycare.

I lost my financial aid for school, took on too much that I couldn't handle and failed/pulled out of too many classes. I can't pay for school, financial aid was the only way I could go.

I feel like there is no way I'll ever be able to support my own family.

And that is a terrible feeling.

I'm exploring my options.

Trying to find a way out.

Hoping something works out.

I've got a lot to do today.

The same things I do every day.

Gotta clean. The house is trashed.

Gotta do laundry. It never ends.

Gotta consciously pay attention to my reactions to the kids, consciously remember to be calm and gentle.

Gotta spend more quality time with the kids.

I love my kids.

They are literally my whole world.

And I need to act like it more often.

Actions speak louder than words.

Ok, I'm getting up and getting moving.

Got lots to do today.

Did I already say that?

my big boyyyyy reading!1
~*BonnieLea*~

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raycer reading like a big boy :o)
~*BonnieLea*~

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Practice Makes Perfect!

Go to my photography blog to see the rest of the pics from today's photoshoot!!!

my birthdayyyyy present!! backdrop and lighting kit!!! ahhhhhhh!!
~*BonnieLea*~

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Sick.

I'm sick.

Again.

I was sick for 3 weeks.

Reasonably healthy for around a week.

And now I'm sick again.

It came on quickly.

The night before last night my nose was stuffy.

Then I woke up yesterday and my nose was still stuffy, and my ears were full.

Then last night, we made a quick run to Sam's Club for diapers, wipes, and pull-ups.

We pulled into the gas station. I blew my nose.

Something happened to my ear.

I got so dizzy I almost passed out.

I was nauseous.

I couldn't drive.

Mom drove us home.

About the time we pulled up in the driveway, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I felt achey.

Sore.

Sick.

I changed the kids, put them in bed.

And crashed.

I was up half the night.

Laying there.

Unable to breathe out of my nose.

At all.

Ears aching.

Today, it's no better.

I was hoping.

I had plans for today.

Now my only plans involve lots of Sudafed and Afrin.

And the couch.



I don't even feel like FaceBook'in, if that gives you an idea of how I feel.

I am always on FaceBook.

I hate being sick.

HOLY PROUD MAMA!!!

Sunshine

It's sunny today, and that always makes me feel better.

I went to the walk-in, got a prescription for my eye (which is doing better today) and got a presciption for an upped dosage of Zoloft.

We went to Wal Mart, I printed some pictures to scrapbook, bought a pack of Valentines for Rayce, some Hershey's syrup for his V-day ice cream sundae party tomorrow at school, and a few t shirts for the kids that were on sale.

As we were coming out of the store, who should be parking, 2 spots away from us, but my friend Amy :o)
She lives half an hour away. I, as a rule, don't go out in public by myself with the kids, and hardly ever during the day. What are the chances we would both be in the same place at the same time?

Yeah. Coincidence. Or something.

I've been doubling up on my 50 mg Zoloft for the last few days, and I feel like it's already starting to help.

I got a lot done yesterday, once I got moving. I organized all the toys in the foyer, scrubbed out the toybox, wipes down the front window and wall. I swept and mopped all the downstairs floors.

Today, first thing this morning I got the chicken marengo going in the crock pot, went to the Dr, went to Wal Mart.

It's more than I've done in a week, in just 24 hours.

That Zoloft is like sunshine for my brain. And as much as sometimes I think that my past and present issues with depression have been environmental... when a little pill can help me feel so much better, I'm defintiely more inclined to think that it is, indeed, a  chemical/hormonal issue that I'm dealing with.

So, anyway, we didn't make it to MiMa's house today like we planned. Since I have to be back to get Rayce off the bus and we were so late getting out of the walk-in, we just rescheduled for tomorrow.

Today is my nephew Jeremiah's 1st birthday. Happy Birthday big guy!!!

We're going over to their house for cake tonight.

One of my really good friends may be moving from Atlanta to NY very soon. Mary's boyfriend Ray (who was one of Anthony's best friends, more like a brother, really) has an interview, in Cortland, tomorrow.

Please, please, please, please, please... pray he gets the job!! They could really use a fresh start. And having them 45 minutes away... it would just be absolutely incredible.

I'm going to try to take the kids and go see Raymond tonight, trying to work out the details, not sure when he'll be to his hotel (or how he's getting there from the airport, even!).

The fact that this company flew him in and put him in a hotel for the night, just for the interview (the second interview!) tells me that they reallllllly want him!!

So keep your fingers crossed for Ray!!

Anyway, enough for now. I've got laundry to work on. Or to think about working on, anyway ;o)

February, So Far, in Pictures.

The Night That Will Not End.

This is the night that will not end.

Have you ever had one??

I was soooo tired all day. I came to bed at 8 and was knocked out by 830. But I've been tossing and turning and turning and tossing ever since. I keep looking at the clock, and it's only an hour or later every time. I can't get comfortable, can't stay asleep.

I'm so tired that I can't sleep. If that makes any sense.

My eye is bothering me. I have pink eye. I had to get up to hold a warm washcloth on it to break up the ewwwey gooeys that were holding it shut. It's watering so bad that when I sat up, it felt like tears running down my face. I'm going to have to wash my pillows and pillowcases in the morning.

I can hear my mom snoring in the next room. Through the wall. That's only 1/4 as loud as she used to snore. You used to be able to feel the wall vibrate in the next room. I'm not kidding. I don't know how she slept through her own snoring.

I'm tired. Did you know that already?

Birthdays

I'm having a birthday party (a joint one!) for Liliya, Dante, and Holden, within the next couple weeks.

I'm trying to figure out what to get them! They got so much for Christmas.

I know I want to get the boys each a new bedset and pillow for at their mom's house.

I'm thinking about the Fisher Price Snap 'n Style dolls for Liliya. I think she would have a blast with them.

I had originally wanted to get a play kitchen. But they're expensive, the kitchen I want for them is on sale for $140 and I'm not really sure we have the room. I'm still thinking about it. I could get free super saving shipping from Amazon, but then it could take 2 weeks to come in. Hmmmm. And then they need pots and pans and dishes and play food too. I dunno.

The boys are so much easier to shop for. Anything Transformers, Power Rangers, action figure-ish. Easy Peasy, Lemon Squeezey. Anthony used to say that :o)