broken, but stronger

It's weird.

To think about Anthony.

To miss him so much that my heart still breaks, and the tears still fall when I see a picture.

It's weird to think about him. To miss him. To want him to be here with us.

But, at the same time, to be in love with someone else.

To want to spend forever with him.

To imagine us growing old together.

It feels like I'm being pulled in two different directions.

It feels weird to miss Anthony and wish he were here... but to be in love with and dream about our future with Drew.

It feels weird to come to terms with the fact that Anthony was my past.

He's gone, there is nothing I can do about it, and there is no bringing him back.

And Drew is my future.

I had a dream several months ago.

Drew and I had a baby.

But Anthony was there, and he helped me pick out a name.

I think sometimes about how, if Drew and I ever managed to have a baby, I can only imagine that I would wish Anthony was there to share that moment with me.

I know that when the kids grow up and graduate and get married and have kids of their own, I'm going to ache for Anthony.

Even though I have no doubts at this point that Drew will be there my side.

It's such an odd feeling/thought.

Two very different places in my heart.

I can't imagine my life without Drew anymore.

But I still wish Anthony could be here with us.

It's confusing.

Having Drew doesn't make me miss Anthony any less.

It doesn't make me not wish he was still here.

Drew doesn't fill the empty space in my heart that Anthony's death left.

But Drew has created a new spot in my heart.

My heart has grown.

Broken. But stronger.

If that makes any sense.

It barely does to me.