I'm having a bad day.
A really bad day.
The girls are fighting like cats and dogs.
Making messes left and right, faster than I can clean them up.
My mom asked if I would be able to get some cleaning done today.
I wanted to cry when she asked me.
I feel like all I do is clean.
I clean every day.
But it never looks like I do.
It's so frustrating.
Yesterday I spent all day cleaning the kids rooms and getting load after load of laundry done.
So the downstairs got neglected.
Therefore, Mom thinks I did nothing yesterday.
Today, the girls flooded the bathroom, playing in the sink.
They tore open half a box of tampons.
They got the Cool Whip out of the fridge and finger/toe painted with it all over the floor that I had just mopped.
Just now, Charlize did something to Liliya.
Liliya said "I'm gonna tell your daddy".
Charlize said "You can't tell our daddy, he's in heaven in the sky".
Liliya said "No, he's dead".
Charlize said "I know, he died".
Liliya said "Who died him? Who did it?"
Charlize said "no one".
The conversation went on.
As I'm sitting here trying not to lose it.
They've been talking like that more and more lately, and it's really freaking hard.
It's seriously like they're just realizing that he's not around, in the past few months.
Liliya is just now realizing that she doesn't have a daddy and most people do. She was 8 weeks old when he died, she doesn't know anything different.
And it breaks my heart.
It's so hard.
And here I am, crying, my heart broken, listening to my girls, and still thinking about all the mess that's never gonna be cleaned up, because I just can't keep up and there is no one to help.
It's just not a good day.
Not a good day.
At all.
Ohhhh Bonnie, my friend! xoxoxo I love you. I'm so sorry that you're having such a difficult day today, in every way. I'm sorry that you feel so constantly drained. I'm sorry that the work is never done. I'm sorry that the kids are starting to ask about Anthony in such a graphic and heartbreaking way. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry times a hundred. It breaks my heart for you. (((hugs))) Being a single parent strictly on a separated or divorced level is incredibly hard. Having it thrust upon you in the most hideous way possible is simply unbearable. I wish there were something that I could say or do that would make this better for you. I'm here for you... over and over and over again, please know that I'm here for you unconditionally and with love in my heart. I know it's not much, but I'll be here for you as long as I'm alive. xoxoxoxoxo I'll see you tomorrow, and maybe we can just release and feel okay tomorrow, and enjoy ourselves. I can't wait to see you. (((HUGS!!)))
ReplyDelete