So much

So much to do.

So much to think about.

I had bad dreams all night last night.

About my mom.

About Anthony.

I slept like a rock, but I woke up this morning and remembered so much.

I keep having strange dreams about Anthony.

He's not really dead.

He's just gone.

And he's not himself anymore.

He's running, hiding from us, wanting nothing to do with us.

He almost never speaks in these dreams.

Even when I do 'find' him.

He doesn't speak.

And then he's gone again anyway.

I feel like it's my mind trying to convince my heart that he's not really *gone* forever, he's just gone and not himself anymore.

Or something like that.

I don't know.

*Sigh*

I'm feeling very emotional today after the dreams last night.

I'm also feeling extra emotional because of the way Charlize has been acting lately.

Like a monster.

I don't even know how else to describe it.

She has these tantrums, that I call demonic fits of rage, that just go onnnn and onnnn and onnnnn, she screams and screams and screams and throws things and flails.

She had one the night before last night that lasted for over an hour, almost an hour and a half.

Because as we were leaving WalMart, she decided she wanted a Happy Meal, even though we had eaten dinner before we went shopping in the first place, and my suggestion that she could have a banana when we got home was just not good enough.

I wanted to leave her at WalMart.

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to sob.

I wondered what I was thinking, wanting a bunch of kids close in age, while I was still so young myself.

I wondered what I was doing so terribly wrong as a mother that my child could possibly act like that.

Especially so often lately.

I just don't know what to do.

I'm also thinking about Christmas.

I haven't done any shopping yet, because I've been so broke.

And with 5 kids to buy for, it just scares me, because I want them to have everything.

I plan to help out the Demick family for Serenity for Christmas, too.

I've been thinking a lot about organization too.

I need to get the bathrooms organized.

There are things I need to have in each bathroom.

Like hair supplies (brush, comb, rubber bands, hair oil, hair ties) and lotion.

I need to catch up on getting laundry put away.

I've put it off for sooo long that things have started spilling out of baskets and onto my bedroom floor.

That's what it was like at my apartment a few years ago, because I was so overwhelmed, and I just don't want to go there again.

I need to get the laundry under control and I need to claim my bedroom back.

I need to keep working on homepreschool lesson plans and I need to start *using* them.

I want desperately to work more on my scrapbooking.

It's just a lot.

Hitting me at once.

Because yesterday I wasn't feeling nearly this overwhelmed, even though all of this was still going on.

So, yeah, that's probably enough thinking for now!