A Date

I went on a date.

A wonderful date.

With an amazing guy.

We were together for 8 hours.

All we did was walk around, window shop, and talk.

It was great :o)

I'm so excited!!!

86,400

Seconds in a day.

To turn it all around or throw it all away.

Gotta tell em that we love em while we got the chance to say.

Gotta live like we're dying.

I should understand this more than most people.

When Anthony died, one of the first coherent thoughts that ran through my mind was "OMGGG I'm so glad I kissed him goodnight and told him I loved him last night".

Even having been through an experience like that myself...

It's easy to forget what's really important.

What is important?

My kids.

My friends.

My family.

Yes, we can't live in a nasty pigsty.

I do have to get things done, wash laundry, sweep the floor.

But the people are more important.

So, my plan for today is to sit down with the kids for a little while, maybe read some books together.

Then I'll toss in a load of laundry and do a little more picking up.

Then maybe we'll do a craft together.

And tonight, when the kids ask me to read another story and sing another song, I will.

But just one more :o)

Don't wanna be

I don't wanna be sick.

But I'm feeling like I'm starting to get sick.

Last night my throat felt a little scratchy.

I was coughing a little.

Then overnight my nose got stuffy.

Now, after being out with the kids all morning, I'm feeling slightly achey and very tired.

The tired is normal.

The achey, not so much.

I can't get sick.

I've got to much to do.

I don't wanna be sick.

Don't.

Wanna be.

Period.

Never done.

I spent literally all day today cleaning.

First, I cleaned some of the upstairs.

I always do the downstairs first, and then the upstairs doesn't get done.

So I threw a load of laundry in first, like always.

Then I cleaned off and vacuumed the stairs.

Then the hallway.

Then the upstairs bathroom.

Then the boys room.

Then I cleaned the downstairs, and swept.

Switching laundry in between, every time the dryer was done.

I got a lot done.

Still got the girls room and my own room to clean, and mountains of laundry to put away, as always.

But I got a LOT done.

I'm tired.

But it feels good.

Since I didn't have the boys over the weekend because Charlize might have been contagious, I'm picking them up tonight and keeping them until tomorrow night.

I'm going to pack a lunch, spend the morning at the PAL center with the 4 not old enough for school, then if I'm still up for it, take them to the park.

But I probably won't be up for it, after everything I've done today and everything I'll do tonight and tomorrow morning with all the kids.

So I won't tell them we might go to the park, until I'm sure.

I'm exhausted.

Charlize's glands are still about the same. A little smaller, I think, the ones behind her ear anyway. Under her jawline they're the same.

Liliya's fingers look pretty good.

Compared to yesterday, anyway.

Did I write about that? Charlize slammed Liliya's fingers in the bedroom door. We went to the ER for x-rays and steri-strips.

The steri-strips were supposed to stay on for 2-3 days if she left them alone.

She left them alone, they came off last night anyway. I grabbed the other half of the ones she cut and brought them home, I put them on Liliya's finger after the first set fell off.

The second set fell off by this morning.

Whatever.

I'm keeping bandaids on it when she's tired so she remembers not to suck on them.

But the skin is staying closed, which is good.

The skin flap that tore back... it looks dead. It's white, doesn't look like it has blood flow.

I hope it doesn't fall off, cuz it will leave a terribly sore spot open.

Ew.

Anyway, Mom took Rayce to the store with her... girls are passed out in the living room.

I think I might position myself in the big beanbag and close my eyes for a few minutes...

Weekend Blahhh

Charlize has been telling me her neck hurt for the past few days. I felt a few small swollen lymph nodes, nothing serious, no big deal.

This morning she woke up and told me her neck hurt again, and I could see the glands on the right side of her neck :o(

To the walk-in we went.

The Dr didn't know what it was.

Said her teeth looked fine, ears looked fine, that if it was allergies it would swell on both sides, that she didn't have any rashes or scratches near the swelling, so he basically had no idea what the issue was.

He was not happy that the swelling was on just one side, because that's not normal.

He said it could possibly be an infection of the gland itself, but she doesn't have a fever or any other symptoms.

He said even though she had the vaccination for mumps, there is a small chance it could be that.

He said that in very rare cases, random swollen lymph nodes could indicate something more serious like some kind of cancer.

Sooo I've been instructed to give her children's ibuprofen 3 times a day for the next few days, hope it goes away on it's own, follow up with her Dr next week, and hope that they don't decide to biopsy it if it doesn't go away and other symptoms don't appear.

Fun stuff.

Sooo I don't have the boys this weekend, in case whatever she may or may not have in contagious :o(

I HATE it when I miss time with my stepsons. We miss them. I try not to let it happen, I only cancel if someone is sick and contagious or if I'm so sick that I can't even take care of my own three kids, which only happens maybe a half dozen times a year. But it's still hard to miss time with them, at all.

It was terrrrible when I had strep throat, I missed them for 2 visits in a row, an entire week, it was like adding insult to injury.

But we've gotta do whatever we can to keep everyone as healthy as possible.

It's going to be a long weekend.

I've been feeling so blahhh and tired and worn down for the last few days, I'm sure this rainy weekend will be no different.

I need to get a ton of laundry put away, all of our bedding washed and bedrooms cleaned. I need to clean the ferret cage and give them baths and clip their nails. I need to work in the basement to get more stuff out of there.

I need to try to get some extra rest, if at all possible.

Bedtime is going to come early tonight. I hope I can manage to get some good sleep, it's been hard to come by lately.

Anyway, enough for now, I've got kiddos to put in bed.

I'm tired.

I haven't been sleeping well the last few nights.

Thinking a lot about Anthony.

A couple days ago, Liliya said, out of the blue, "Where's my daddy?"

I told her he passed away and went to heaven. She's 2 years old and she's never known him, she doesn't get it.

So finally I said "he died".

Then she kept repeating it.

It was rough.

Then last night, Rayce came into my room crying at almost 10pm, saying he missed Daddy.

He has NEVER done that before.

Never.

He has never cried for his daddy.

Rayce just accepted it, from the beginning.

It was strange, but I was glad he didn't seem to be permanently damaged by losing his father.

But last night made me realize that just because he doesn't say it out loud often, he is missing his daddy.

And that breaks my heart :o(

So anyway, I let Rayce sleep with me last night, and that added to my lack of good sleep.

I've had my nephews more lately than normal, and I haven't been able to get much done.

So today, even though I'm exhausted, I'm trying to get as much done as possible.

I got the girls dressed when I got Rayce dressed.

I jumped in the shower as soon as Rayce got on the bus.

I put in a load of laundry, cleaned, swept, and mopped the kitchen and the downstairs bathroom.

Now I'm just sitting here, thinking about how tired I am, among other things.

I need to get moving again to keep myself awake and going.

Its only 10am.

Gonna be another long day.

I'm tired.

But here I go, off and running.

Camp Isaac Says, 1st edition

According to Rayce, firstborn, leader of the pack, smartie pants, 5 3/4 years old.

Tell me the five best things about you.

Hmm, I don't know. I'm smart. I am... I don't know. Am I talking on the computer? Am I talking on the computer? I get up early. I know what month it is. Oh wait, no I don't. I clean my room. Actually I don't really clean my room. I don't know. I love my family. Am I talking on the computer? Ok, am I talking on the computer? I'm Rayce!

If you had ONE wish, what would you wish for?

Butterscotch. It's a horse toy that looks like a real pony.

What is your favorite toy?

Dinosaurs. All of them.

What is your favorite thing to do with Mama?

Go to the movie theater and play games.

How old do  you think Mama is?

twenty six

How old do you think Grandma is?

fifty.

(well those questions weren't any fun, he was one year off of my age and exact on Grandmas!!)

What's one thing you think Mama is really good at?

puzzles. You're so smart when you do puzzles.

What makes mom happy?

when I be good




What makes mom sad?

when I don't be good



How does your mom make you laugh?

you say 'don't smile'



What was your mom like as a child?

i think you were a kid




 How tall is your mom?

fifty and a half inches



What is her favorite thing to do?

clean and wash the dishes



What does your mom do when you're not around?

clean



If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

i dunno




What is your mom not very good at?

putting away the clothes


What does your mom do for a job?

you used to work at the mall at the toy store but now it's to stay in the house and clean and drive us places



What is your mom's favorite food?

chicken


What makes you proud of your mom?

putting the bathroom window up?



If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

Dora



What do you and your mom do together?

ummm. read?

Camp Isaac Says...

I've decided to add a little something new to my blog, to make it a little more interesting and more regular.

I'm calling it "Camp Isaac Says", or CIS for short.

A few times a week I plan to sit down with one or more of the kids and ask them some open ended questions, typing their answers word for word.

It should be fun :o)

So, look for the first edition of CIS later this afternoon or this evening!

Not Much

Not much going on around here.

Spring Break is almost over. On Monday, Rayce goes back to school and we all resume our normal schedule.

Rayce misses school. He's been making himself 'kidwriting' sheets to work on :o)

Everyone is doing pretty well, myself included.

We were enjoying the warmer weather, and not really enjoying the cooler temps that rushed back in yesterday. We're excited for it to warm up again soon.

Tomorrow we'll be planting some seeds in a little greenhouse box. I've got the seeds soaking, and I am soooo excited for the kids.

This will teach them a little about patience.

The actual 'poking the seeds into the dirt pellets' will be fun for them, but waiting for them to grow... that's the real treat.

I'll be posting some recent pictures within the next few days.

I've got lots to get done today before I pick the boys up this afternoon.

Bedding to wash, floors to sweep, mop, vacuum, tons and tons of laundry to put away.

Sooooo, that's all for now, folks :o)

Easter Pics

We had a wonderful Easter :o)

To see pics of my sister Ashley's photoshoot, head on over to my photography blog.

Easter

Is one of my favorite holidays.

We're not very religious people. We don't go to church, although I am looking to change that.

It's just a nice day for togetherness, a nice dinner with family, and fun for the kids.

Today has been a great day, and it's only 10am.

I stayed up late last night putting baskets together.

The kids each got a couple Littlest Pet Shop toys (they LOVE those things!), a small chocolate bunny, a few lollipops, some gummies, startburst, smarties, and m&m's.

I try hard not to overdue it as a gift giving holiday. I try hard not to get too much candy. I try hard to only put in their baskets what I will allow them to eat in a day or two, because they get frantic about finding it and eating it, wherever I hide it.

My kids don't get candy regularly, at all.

I don't buy junk food to bring into the house. We don't keep chips or ice cream or candy here.

So Easter and Halloween are especially exciting for the kiddos :o)

Today, the kids got their Easter baskets, ate candy for breakfast, colored some eggs (we're simple people, we dip dye them and that's it!), baked some ready made cookies (less mess!!!), now I'm trying to clean up before I toss the kids in the bath.

Would be pointless to bathe them and THEN clean up, because they would get filthy again as soon as they got out, with all this candy laying around.

After we're all showered and dressed, we're going to my dad and stepmom's for an easter egg hunt and a photoshoot.

The sun is shining, it's warm, I have all 5 babies with me today...

it doesn't get any better than this!

Pictures to follow, tonight after the kids are in bed :o)

Vitamin D

I'm sooo enjoying this sunshine, soaking in as much vitamin D as I can.

Getting some sun always makes me feel better, no matter what nonsense is happening.

Today we spent a bit at the PAL center, went to lunch with Pauline and Sadie, and then went to the park.

It's so warm out, even the walk to the park (3 blocks) and back was enough to make us sweat. The kids were all rosy-cheeked and exhausted by the time we got home.

I loooove spring.

I loooooove sunshine.

I am sooo looking forward to tomorrow.

Up to find Easter Baskets.

Egg coloring.

Cookie baking.

Bathtime.

Getting dressed in Easter clothes.

(yes we are 'celebrating' Easter tomorrow because my stepsons aren't here on Sunday)

A photoshoot with all 5 kiddos dressed up.

A photoshoot for just Holden, for his 4th birthday, almost a month late    :-/

An egg hunt and lunch at Grampa and MiMa's.

A photoshoot with Grampa and MiMa and Auntie Ashley.

How much better could it get?

Seriously?!?!

Tomorrow is going to be a perfect day and I am going to do everything in my power to soak it all in and just live in the moments.

Worn down

Today, I am feeling very worn.

Physcially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

It's just incredible how fast everything can change. Fast enough to literally make my head spin.

My arms and shoulders are sore from everything I did yesterday... refinishing the toddler bed for Dante, rearranging the boys' room to make the toddler bed fit, putting up the pet net in the girls room and hanging 6 pictures and frames up in the boys room.

My eyes are swollen, a rare outward sign of inner turmoil.

I'd love to just stay in bed today.

But I've got 3 kiddos here who need me.

I've got 3 or 4 loads of laundry to wash, another 3 or 4 to put away.

I've got beds to make.

I've got floors to sweep.

A ferret cage to clean.

A filthy dog to bathe and shave.

Toys to organize.

And potty training to work on.

There is no rest for the weary, when the weary one is a single mama.

Today, I feel worn down, more than I have in a very long time.

:o(

I really, really, really miss my boys.

I don't think I've ever missed them so much after just 24 hours.

It's just that it finally felt so right. It finally felt like everything was going to be ok, everything was going to work out.

I felt like I could handle it. I was handling it, with relative ease.

I wasn't completely overwhelmed. I wasn't ready to rip my hair out.

I was not only handling all 5, but enjoying it.

I wasn't sure that would ever happen. That I could ever have such an easy (a relative term) and enjoyable time with all the kids.

It was going so well, I could do it forever.

And, just like that, it's taken away from me. Again.

I'll have them Tuesday afternoon, like usual.

But it's not the same.

It's not right.

And tonight, I miss my boys, my beautiful stepsons, more than I have ever missed them. And it's only been 24 hours since they were here in my arms.

And as quick as life changes

It falls right back, even more quickly.

Can't explain too much on a public blog.

Apparently going back to regular visitation with the boys. Too much and too deep to explain.

But I'm upset and so anxious that I'm actually sick to my stomach.

Sometimes I feel like nothing will ever be right.

Nothing will ever go the way it should go.

Nothing will ever just be easy and work out.

And my heart is broken into a million tiny pieces, all over again.

I'm not sure how many times I can pull the pieces all back together.

It gets more difficult every time.

Time's a-changin

Things are changing, quickly.

The boys are spending most of the time here. They've been going to their mom's house on her days off. And it's actually working out really well.

I'm pulling myself together, doing what I need to do.

I'm even more exhausted than normal by the end of the day, but hey, I've been sleeping better :o)

I'm going next week to sign Rayce and Holden up for the 4-7 year old t-ball team. I'm really excited!! I think it will be wonderful for both of them. I wish the other kids were old enough to play, too.

The weather is all over the place, but as long as it's steadily getting a little warmer and a little sunnier, with more warmer days than cooler days, I'm happy as a clam.

I've got to make phone calls this week to get the kids signed up for school. Hopefully both Holden and Charlize.

We'll be spending most of this upcoming week at home, working intensely on potty training with Charlize, Dante, and Liliya. Yep, all 3 at once. May as well get it all over with. They'll all be running around half naked for the better park of the week.

I've got to spend some time on meal planning, so we can be better prepared for dinnertime.

I did a lovely little photo shoot with a friend on Thursday, which I still haven't had much time to look at and play with, I can't wait to get to it.

I've been really anxious for the last couple days, knowing there is so much I need to do. I get all worked up about all the projects I need to get done, I start one thing, get distracted, and work on something else.

Eventually it will all get done :o)

I've been very productive, compared to my normal level of productivity.

I've been thinking a lot, too. Too much, maybe.

Overall, I feel like mostly everything is going really, really well.

That's not to say that things won't be crazy tomorrow, or the next day, or next week...

But right now, I'm smiling, both outside and in :o)

Feeling Good :o) Doing Good :o)

I'm feeling really good about things.

Really, really good.

I've adjusted my attitude and it feels like everything else has just fallen into place as a result.

It's an amazing feeling.

It's amazing what you can do when you have faith in yourself.

I haven't had much faith in myself. Ever.

But I found it. Somewhere.

And it's a beautiful thing.

Yesterday, we went to the PAL center for the entire morning. We were there by 10am, amazing sinze I had to get myself and 5 kids dressed and fed and all that. I relaxed for most of the morning there while the kids played. I packed a lunch of PB sandwiches and go-gurts.

Holden was being his typical self, grumpy, defiant, and full of piss and vinegar, but I really kept my cool and stayed calm.

He's really responding to my new attitude, and that feels more amazing than anything else.

While we were there, getting ready to leave, I went to change Liliya, and she decided she had to go potty. And she really did go potty!!! Poop, even! She has never before had a successful potty visit. I am sooo proud!!!!

At about 330, the kids brought me the string cheese and asked for a snack. I had a piece too, and wondered why I felt sooooo hungry. Then I remembered that I literally hadn't had hardly anything to eat, all day. A couple pretzels from the trail mix at the PAL center. All day. Yeah, wow.

We came home when they closed, the kids ran around while I did some cleaning. When Rayce got home, they all went outside to play, and they played hard for more than 2 hours.

I kept cleaning, organizing, sorting. From the time we got home from the PAL center until bedtime, I hardly sat down at all.

We had another unsuccessful cookout for dinner. The grill needs a new gas fitting or something, apparently. So we cooked burgers on the stove, and mac and cheese, and corn.

The kids watched a bit of a movie, and then it was time for bed.

Bedtime was a little rough. Rayce wasn't cooperating. I don't think he's been getting enough sleep, he's been sooo whiney and uncooperative. I yelled, several times. It took almost half an hour to get them all to stay in bed.

Holden slept with me. He needed some serious extra snuggle time. He's such a still sleeper. He barely moved, all night. Seriously. But, he was sleeping in the middle of the bed :o)

The boys are doing really, really well. All of the kids are doing really, really well.

I'm doing really, really well too.

And it feels incredible :o)

Really, really incredible.

:o)

Do-over.

There is a lot going on right now.

My 1 year old nephew Jeremiah has pneumonia. His fever has been around 103-104 and even above, even with medicine.

My little brother in law Ziggy is having some serious health problems I've heard about only through the grapevine. Please keep him in your prayers.

Today, a bunch of nonsense went down dealing with Holden and Dante. Nothing I really want to go into details about, but nonsense, nonetheless. I'm not sure what's going to happen but we're trying to work something out that will work better for everyone, especially the boys.

Who ever thought that parenting part time could be even harder than parenting full time?!

2010 is not shaping up to be a great year.

Can I get a re-do?? A do-over??? A second chance, please?

Another week...

And a half since I last posted. Jeeze, I'm such a slacker!!

To be honest, the only reason I haven't been posting much lately...

I've been busy!!

I've been doing the opposite of slacking.

I've been pulling it together, getting out of the house, getting things done.

We've been hittin the local parks, the PAL family resource center, getting the house organized...

Pauline and the gorgeous spring weather have been helping to pull me from my pit of despair.

That being said, yesterday was an off day for me.

Spent most of the day cleaning and organizing my room, going through everything.

Pulling Anthony's socks out of the sock bin, finally, 2 years later.

Going through old pictures, sympathy cards.

It was hard.

Hard to keep going through things, hard to keep smiling, even though it felt fake.

Then I heard the song "Live Like We're Dying" on the radio, and it got my gears turning.

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up

We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

How come we don't say I love you enough

Till it's to late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come

And we could make a feast from these crumbs

And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun

So if your life flashed before you,

What would you wish you would've done

Yeah, we gotta start

Looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

And if your plane fell out of the skies

Who would you call with your last goodbye

Should be so careful who we live out our lives

So when we long for absolution,

There'll no one on the line, yeah

Yeah, we gotta start

Looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying..

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

You never know a good thing till it's gone

You never see a crash till it's head on

Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong

You never know a good thing till it's gone

Yeah, we gotta start

Looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying..

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying..

Seriously, would I regret not getting all the toys picked up before bedtime, if I died tomorrow?

Would I regret not folding the laundry?

Not making the beds?

Would I regret not putting my kids in daycare so I could work a minimum wage job?

Absolutely not.

I would regret not holding them closer, hugging them tighter, and telling them I love them more often.

I would regret not reading to them more.

I would regret not making their quilts out of Anthony's clothes.

(this is very important to me, because when I get these quilts done, they will each have a quilt made from their daddy's clothes and their most precious baby outfits, and sewn by their mama... truly a keepsake)

I would actually regret not taking more pictures and scrapbooking and journaling for them, so they could know me better through my thoughts.

What would you regret not doing, if you died tomorrow?

Do it.

Today.

Because you really and honestly never know when there might not be another tomorrow.

A long overdue update.

This blog has been lacking for the last several weeks.

We've all been passing around germs, and things have been crazy and busy.

A couple weeks ago, we had our 1-2-3-4 birthday party for nephew Jeremiah (1 Feb 11th), Liliya (2 Jan 11th), Dante (3 Feb 5th), and Holden (4 March 7th). The party was a big chaotic but the kids had a blast and that's all that matters :o)

Then, the following weekend, I pulled off a big surprise 50th birthday party for my mom :o)

She was sooooo surprised. A lot of people made it! Lots of family and friends, even people from further away (Mom's cousin Shelly flew in from MA and her friend Nancy drove down from Rome NY!).

We had a *wonderful* time, and it was wayyyy more than worth all the time effort and energy it took to pull that off! I was so glad I could do something to show Mom how much I love and appreciate her and everything she does for us :o)

Then, Charlize had her braided for the first time ever... soooo cute!

We went to our first ever doggie birthday party, for this little princess named LeeLoo.

 

and all her friends...

This doggie party... it was incredible, the amount of time and effort her Mama put into it! The most incredible doggie themes! Doggie bags, doggie food, doggie decorations...

this doggie food, served in doggie bowls with the kids names written on them... is actually Reeses Puffs cereal and corned beef hash :o) We also had corn DOGS :o)

I did a dress up photo shoot with the girlies...

We all passed around a fast and furious stomach bug.

I got the worst case of strep throat *ever* that left me unable to swallow without excrutiating pain from last Thursday until today. I've been on 3 antibiotics, one injection, one IV, and one oral, been to the walk-in, and spent over 6 hours in the emergency room. It was baaaaad.

And now, today is the 2 year anniversary of the day my sweet Anthony left us to go to heaven.

I love you most...

And THAT has been the craziness of the last several weeks. At so many points, I thought to myself that I really should update our blog, add some pictures, blah blah blah.

But life got in the way, as it so often does.

And why shouldn't it!

I have one crazy, stressful, chaotic, blessed, and charmed life :o)