House, MD

Anthony and I used to watch House together. He would crack up, because Dr house is quite cocky, and Anthony was too. He thought House's character was just like him. Yes, Anthony was a bit egotistical and cocky. But he was sweet about it, anyway, and he wasn't a prick.

Anyway, Candice told me about this website called www.hulu.com where you can watch TV shows and movie online, for free. And I've been watching House almost every night after I get the kids in bed.

I haven't watched TV since Anthony died. Until a couple months ago, I had literally watched maybe a dozen hours in the last year+.

I figured that TV just wasn't that important to me. I watched it because it was on, and Anthony was the one who turned it on. Without him there to turn the TV on and to a channel other than Noggin or Nick Jr, I just didn't watch.

I have missed TV. I miss House. I miss Family Guy and South Park (love em or hate em, Anthony and I used to watch together and would *crack up*... and I love them).

The last episode I watched was about a cancer researcher who suddenly fell ill. Everyone wanted her case, because of who she was. Then she told them she had quit 8 months before. She quit because she had some kind of tumor removed at that point and was afraid she would die, and she thought to herself "I can't die, I haven't been happy yet". So she left her job and took cooking classes, piano lessons, she traveled...

It left me thinking.

Yes, I HAVE been happy yet. But am I happy every day? Am I happy on a regular basis?

Little moments throughout the day make me happy. Every time Liliya says "Hi Mama" in her sweet little voice, I am happy. Every time Charlize bats her eyelashes and asks me if she's gorgeous, I am happy. Every time Holden needs a snuggle to calm down, I am happy. Every time Rayce says something way beyond witty or amazing for a 5 year old, I am happy. Every time Dante wants a hug, from *me*, I am happy.

But still, I don't generally feel fulfilled. And that bothers me. I don't know how it's possible to not feel entirely fulfilled with all these beautiful babies running around that I helped make.

So, anyway... that's been on my mind a lot, and that's what I'm trying to figure out how to change.

:o)